


The Nightmare Before Christmas

by AlexDanversFBI



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Despair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Loss, Sadness, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-23 18:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21324754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexDanversFBI/pseuds/AlexDanversFBI
Summary: Alex and Lena are happily married and it's Christmas Eve. They are planning to spend Christmas day together. But something happens that will change their lives forever and leaving one of them in the worst possible scenario you could ever imagine.Canon to S5 mostly. But obviously in my S5 Alex married Lena.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 14
Kudos: 88





	1. Christmas Eve

Alex Danvers was married to Lena Luthor in an exclusive ceremony for only close family and friends in Midvale. Soon after Lena had purchased a house for them away from prying eyes and by Luthor standards it was smaller than she would usually go for, because Alex insisted on keeping things as normal as possible, even though nothing was normal anymore now she was married to a billionaire. So their first home was a modest five bedroom with two floors, there was a study, a library and a games room (for Alex). There was a huge kitchen and cosy living room with a fireplace. Out back was a very large garden and out front a smaller garden and driveway. They also kept Lena’s apartment in the city too. 

Alex was Director at the DEO, Lena was busy working on new technology in her lab. Two years ago Lena had discovered Kara was Supergirl and withdrawn from all her new friends and especially Kara. It had been Alex who had brought her out of her isolation. Alex would keep phoning her and talking to her, and slowly but surely Lena started to let her in. They started to spend evenings together in their spare time. It wasn't long before they formed a very close friendship which eventually turned into lovers. Alex had been pleasantly surprised when Lena spoke those three little words “I love you” one night over a meal at a fancy restaurant just six months into their courtship. She had of course returned the words and later that night showed her just how much she loved her. Four months passed and they were married.

Now it was two months into married life and things had been going pretty well for the couple.

Alex parked her Ducati in the crunching snow outside their house. It was Christmas Eve and the Christmas Holidays were in full swing. The Christmas lights adorned their home and lit up the whole driveway. Alex wanted to add a few blow up reindeers to the lawn and a Santa but Lena drew the line at that, she allowed some blue and white lights, as long as Alex put them up. Alex had looked at the decorations afterwards and been amazed at how beautiful it looked in its simplicity. And she thought that maybe her wife was right, that little was more.

She walked up the drive, past the black SUV to the front door and put her key in the door. Once inside she was greeted by their black cat Jasmine. 

“Hey sweetie, where's your mom?” Alex asked trying not to trip over her. Jasmine just meowed loudly.

Alex walked into the large kitchen to find her wife making coffee and holding the latest copy if Catco in her hands.

“Have you seen this?” Lena asked showing Alex the front cover.

“Shit!” Alex’s eyes went wide, “Why are we on the cover?”

“Apparently we are newsworthy now we are married,” Lena replied annoyed, “I am going to be having strong words with Andrea Rojas.”

Alex walked over to the coffee machine and made herself a latte, she looked to Lena who was now sitting down with a black coffee and the magazine in question.

“Didnt you two date?” She asked Lena. 

Lena looked up at Alex, “Yes why?”

“Why wouldn't she consult you first, did it end badly?” Alex genuinely wanted to know.

Lena sighed, “It wasn't the best. I rarely think about it now but back then Andrea wasn't too pleased when I left school and didn't keep in touch. She wanted more than I could give her.”

Alex sat down across the table from Lena,“So, any idea why she did this?” Alex pointed at the offending magazine in Lena’s hands, “It’s just blatant gossip.”

Lena took a sip of her coffee, “All Andrea cares about is making money, she could also still be holding a grudge, I have no idea, we have hardly spoken since she moved to National City.”

“Well,” Alex replied with a crease in her brow, “this is pretty low, making up a story that your having marital problems.”

Lena put the magazine down and smiled softly at Alex, “Don't worry I’ll make sure she corrects this, but for now I am not letting this spoil our evening together, how often do we both get time off to just be together?”

“True,” Alex agreed sipping her latte.

“So, how was your day?” Lena asked noticing the new stitches and bruise to Alex’s forehead, “That looks sore.”

“Uh?” Alex was confused for a moment then realised Lena was referring to her injury, “Oh, it’s fine” she touched it gently, “we took down a few bad guys and girls today, all in lock up safely where they can't hurt anyone. You could kiss it better if you want?”

“My brave soldier, maybe I will.” Lena gave Alex one of the dirtiest smiles the Director had ever seen.

Alex nearly choked on her latte, she put her cup down and raised an eyebrow at her wife.

Lena just kept up the smile and the tease in her eyes was unmistakable.

Alex stood and walked around to where Lena was. She placed her hands on her wife's shoulders from behind then crouched down so she could whisper into her ear, “So, where shall we start? Here or would you rather make love in the shower?”

Lena caught her breath, Alex was breathing right by her ear and she felt her hands pushing her long brown hair to the side so she could access her neck. 

“Mmm babe you smell so good, I've missed this, missed you.” Alex started to kiss her neck, placing tender kisses to pale soft skin. 

When they were close nothing else seemed to matter, and all the tension of their day would just melt away, but for two weeks now they hadn't had a moment like this. Lena was either at L-Corp from dawn until dusk, or Alex was being called out on urgent missions. And when they had scheduled time for a date, something always seem to come up. But now it was Christmas Eve and Alex was home, Lena took the evening off to be with her wife. In the morning they would open presents together and join Kara, with Alex's family and their friends for Christmas day. That was the plan at least.

Lena lay her head back a little, eyes closed, enjoying having Alex’s lips all over her causing her whole body to warm up like a furnace within seconds. Then she moved away and stood up taking Alex in her arms and pushing her against the sink, “You are so asking for it,” she told her as she started to unbuckle the belt on Alex’s black jeans. Alex groaned and shut her eyes when Lena’s hand reached into her jeans. She explored with adept fingers, feeling her wifes arousal, then Alex finally got her wits about her and placed her hands on Lena’s arms to turn them around so Lena was against the sink. She pushed her hands under Lena’s blouse moaning in delight when she felt those familiar nipples beneath her fingers, “you aren't wearing a bra, wonderful.” 

Alex kissed Lena hard as she teased the nipples until they were nicely aroused and hard. Her hands roamed, feeling her wifes soft skin under her calloused hands. Her hands made their way downwards, exploring every inch or Lena’s breasts, ribs, abs until they finally reached their destination. Lena was saying Alex’s name and a few Oh God’s in reply to the attention she was receiving. 

Alex dipped her head and sucked on the pulse point of Lena’s slender neck making the woman whimper.

Whilst giving a lot of attention to the left side of Lena’s neck and ear, her hands unbuttoned Lena’s jeans, she pushed the jeans down to Lena’s knees and slipped a hand inside Lena’s silk black panties. Alex’s desire was spiked when she felt the warm wetness beneath her fingers, she slipped two fingers through her wifes folds parting them, then she slipped those same two fingers deep into Lena. She pushed in and brushed her long strong fingers against the spot that made her wife moan out. 

“Oh God, Alex, yes, take me. Make me yours.” Lena had waited two whole weeks for this. God she had missed Alex so much. 

Alex looked to Lena’s eyes that were barely open, “Look at me while I fuck you.”

Lena felt a jolt of electricity pulse through her at her wife's hot words, she opened her eyes and gazed back into dark orbs, eyes full of desire, for her and her only. Her heart swelled, the butterflies in her stomach took flight, and she could feel herself getting closer to the edge as Alex fingers found that sweet spot deep inside over and over again.

Their breathing became rapid as the thrusts got faster. There was sweat across Alex’s forehead from the intensity at which she was working Lena up.

“I’m so close,” Lena said breathlessly.

Alex slowed down her thrusts and slipped her fingers out leaving Lena incredibly frustrated. 

Lena moaned, “Alex, please.”

Alex just smirked at her and raised her up onto the counter. Lena gasped in surprise.

Alex pulled Lena’s shoes off followed by the jeans and silk panties. Then she positioned herself so that Lena’s legs were over her strong shoulders and her face was right where it needed to be. She pushed her face into Lena and tasted her, thrusting her tongue as deep as she could in earnest. Lena felt the flick of Alex’s tongue on her clit, it was insistent, overwhelming her and it wasn't long before she came undone.

They made their way to the shower quickly afterwards, where Lena paid her wife back in full, eating her out as Alex stood on shaky legs with the water flowing over her. 

They finally made it to bed where they fell in an exhausted but satisfied heap. 

“I missed you,” Lena told Alex as they lay back catching their breath.

“I missed you too babe,” Alex replied turning her head to look at her lover. She reached her hand out to Lena’s.

Lena held onto Alex’s hand, “If only we didn't have to be workaholics.”

“But then we wouldn't be so worked up and desperate when we finally got time to be together, it does have its advantages.”

“I guess you're right,” Lena smiled, “like you always are.”

Alex took in the sight of her wife's beautiful face in the darkness, the only light illuminating them both coming from the moonlight outside and the blue christmas lights hanging around the window frame.

“I love you Lena,” Alex said softly, “seems like I fall in love with you more and more every day.”

Lena looked at her lover and smiled, “same my love, same.”

Alex opened her arms with a question, “cuddle?”

Lena moved up to Alex and lay in her strong arms, the warmth and tenderness surrounding her making her feel safe and loved like always.

Alex nuzzled her nose into Lena’s long dark hair and smiled, she was so happy, this was her life now, she got to come home from work to be with this wonderful woman every day for the rest of her life. She just couldn't believe how lucky she was. But sometimes darkness clouded Alex’s eyes. She always feared losing her love, there was so much danger in the world, and Lena was definitely an assassination target because of her name. Alex worried about this from time to time. She vowed at their wedding to always keep her safe, and to always be there for her and that was exactly what she intended to do. 

“You okay love,” Lena asked her lover, who was very quiet.

Alex was pulled from her dark thoughts, “Yeah, I’m good,” she lied because she didn't want to ruin the moment. It had been a night of intense, passionate love making and she sure as hell wasn't going to bring down the mood with her dark thoughts.

“Just sleepy, you kinda do that to me.” Alex smiled into Lena’s hair.

Lena smiled happy in the knowledge that her love was okay and before long they both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Alex woke to an empty bed beside her, she stretched and got up where she headed to the kitchen expecting to find Lena but she wasn't there. She looked around to see if Lena had left a note but she couldn't find anything. Strange she thought to herself, because Lena nearly always left a note when she had to leave early. She grabbed her phone just in case there was a message from her, when she found none she sent a quick text to Lena. Then she had a quick shower, followed by coffee and looked over at their Christmas Tree with the gifts beneath it. She sighed sadly, this was the one day she thought she would actually get to spend a whole day with her wife. She couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. Lena promised her no work on Christmas Day no matter what. 

Alex was about to check her phone again when her sister phoned.

“Kara, I know it’s Christmas morning and your desperate to open your presents, but were going to be late because…”

“Alex!” Kara interrupted.

“Ouch, my ears,” Alex whined into the phone and frowned.

“It’s Lena, you have to come now, L-Corp. I am already there. Please hurry.”

“Lena? What’s wrong, is she okay?” Alex instantly felt the dread rush to her stomach.

“Just come now. Bring your badge.” Kara told her and put down the phone.

Alex had never moved so fast, she quickly fed the cat and got into her motorcycle gear and grabbed her FBI badge and gun.

When Alex parked her bike outside L-Corp it was swarming with NCPD officers and she noticed EMS outside too. She rushed to the front doors and made her way inside, her heart racing uncontrollably. She didn't wait to take the elevator because it was busy with cops, she ran up the stairwell as fast as her feet could carry her, and right now she was so glad she had spent so much time in the gym. Also the adrenalin was helping as its coursed through her.

When she reached the floor of Lena’s office she stopped, hands on knees to get her breath back. Then she stood up straight and made her way over to Lena’s office. When she got there she saw two police officers posted outside the door.

She took out her FBI badge and flashed it at them, “Agent Danvers, I was sent over, what’s going on?”

The police officers looked at each other. One of the officers then looked at the agent, “It’s Miss Luthor, she’s been shot.”


	2. Cold as ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex learns the truth about her wife Lena.

Alex didn't wait for permission, she barged straight past the two police officers and rushed inside Lena’s office. When she got inside she took in the scene before her with trained eyes.

The office was like it usually was, neat, clean, but there were what looked like a detective, two more police officers and crouching down on the ground beside a lifeless body was Supergirl. 

Alex walked towards them, and she felt like she was floating, it didn't feel real and when she saw the tears in her sisters eyes she hesitated a moment and pinched herself, this couldn't be real. Alex then looked at the woman in Supergirls arms, and much to her horror it was her wife, it was Lena.

Alex rushed forward and crouched down beside them both, her eyes focused entirely on her wife, “Lena, wake up baby,” Alex took her hand, and the horrific sight in front of her told her the story, blood soaked Lena’s chest where she had been shot. Tears started to prick at the agent's eyes, she leaned in closer to Lena’s face, “Please baby wake up, your going to be okay, Supergirl will get you out of here and to safety,” Alex looked to her sister with urgency, her devastated eyes pleading with her sister to do something.

“I’m so sorry, It’s too late,” Supergirl told her gently, “she’s gone Alex. I’m so sorry.”

“No!” Alex shouted drawing attention from everyone in the room, “that's not possible!” Alex looked at Lena’s pale face, even more pale than usual and felt her whole world collapsing around her. How could this be happening? Just last night they were so in love, so happy, with the promise of so much in their future. They had plans, hopes and dreams, one day they would have a family.

Just then two medics rushed in

Alex was brought out of her thoughts and moved out of the way by the medics, so they could tend to Lena Luthor. It took quite a struggle but Supergirl encouraged Alex to sit with her away from the medics, even though she knew nothing could be done.

Alex sat back against the wall of the cold office with her head in her hands, tears falling down her face. Supergirl sat beside her and pulled her sister into a hug. They both cried then, the intense pain of their emotions mirrored, they were sobbing uncontrollably whilst the medics discovered that they were too late and that nothing could be done for Lena. 

And because this was a crime scene they weren't allowed to move her. Everyone stepped away from the lifeless body that was lying in a pool of blood on the floor. Detectives made everyone leave apart from Alex and Supergirl while they waited for the CSI team to arrive.

Alex finally stood up with her sister beside her. Alex felt dizzy, sick, shaky, she could hardly function, and she so wished this was all a nightmare and that she would soon wake up. She wiped her tear stained face with her jacket sleeve and looked to Supergirl beside her and then she felt anger boil up inside her.

“I am going to find out who did this and when I do, I am going to kill them.”

One of the Detectives walked up to Alex and Supergirl.

“Agent Danvers, Supergirl,” He addressed them. 

They both nodded.

“You both knew the victim?”

“Yes,” Supergirl told them, “Agent Danvers is her wife.”

The Detective looked surprised, “Oh yes I think I read about that in Catco Magazine.”

Alex frowned but was too heartbroken to respond with anything more than a “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry for your loss Agent,” The detective then said.

Alex gazed over at her wife, “Can I see her?”

“Sorry, CSI are coming over, we don't want to contaminate the scene anymore than it has been already.”

Alex sighed, but she knew they were right, she looked to her sister, “I have got to get out of here.”

Supergirl nodded that she understood and left with Alex.

Family and friends were informed of Lena’s death immediately by Kara and then she went back with Alex to her home to make sure she was alright.

Alex put the key in the front door like so many times before and then she opened the front door and walked inside, their cat Jasmine greeted her like she always did, totally unaware of the loss Alex was feeling. The black cat rubbed against her legs and purred. Supergirl picked her up and held her while Alex made her way into the kitchen. 

Alex’s immediate reaction was to pull out a bottle of whisky from the cupboard and place it onto the side, she took out a glass and filled it to the top. She was about to sink the amber liquid down in one when a hand stopped her.

“No Alex, don't do this.”

It was Kara, of course it was, the only one with enough power and strength to stop her.

Alex frowned, took the drink and poured it down the sink.

“I can't do this Kara, I can't live without her. I want her back.”

Kara moved up to her sister and held both of her arms, “Look at me Alex.”

Alex reluctantly looked up at her.

“You can do this and you will, and we will find out who did this, together,” Kara told her with determination. 

Alex just nodded sadly, walked to a chair and slumped down in it.

She hadn't even had a chance to think about what happened now, they were married, everything was now her responsibility, L-Corp, informing Lena’s friends and maybe her family. And the one thing she couldn't even think about, the funeral.

Kara sat down at the table with her, “And I will help you with everything too, and I am sure mom will.”

Alex was lost, lost in her own thoughts, her memories. Her hopes and dreams for her and Lena, all of them gone in an instant. She started to cry again and Kara was right there to hold onto her.

Two weeks later

Alex had spent the last two weeks in a daze. Her mother Eliza had come to help with arrangements for the funeral. Sam had been in touch and offered her friendship and support. Jess, Lena's trusted secretary had been given a huge promotion and asked to hold down the fort until Alex could figure out what to do with L-Corp. But the one most common feature of her week, it was her sister Kara. The superhero had been with her every step of the way, supporting her, comforting her, helping her get through the two weeks before the funeral. Alex also had to deal with the press but had refused to see Catco owner Andrea Rojas after her scathing article about them.

So the day came, and suddenly after a week of going non stop, Alex had time to think, and she hated it. She didn't want to remember why she was here today.

Alex wore a black suit and tie and put on a brave face at the funeral. And afterwards there was a gathering of their closest family and friends at the home that belonged to Alex and Lena.

One by one they would come up to Alex and offer their condolences and no matter how thoughtful and kind they were Alex felt no better, she just felt so much anger and bitterness. She kept it in and didn't show it, but deep down she wanted revenge on the person that did this and nothing else would make her feel better.

Sam was Lena’s friend, when she heard the news she had been devastated and wanted to get to the truth just as much as Alex, but she hadn't yet voiced her opinion, because she hadn't had a chance to speak with Alex alone apart from some quick phone calls and she wasn't sure how much Alex could handle right now.

“Alex, how are you doing, really?” The tall woman with long brunette hair asked her quietly.

Alex shrugged, “About as well as you would expect.”

Sam placed her hand warmly on Alex’s arm, “If you need to talk, you know where I am.”

Alex gave her a weak smile, “Thanks Sam, that means a lot. I know you and Lena were close, this can't have been easy for you either.”

Sam took her hand away and walked over to the drinks and grabbed two glasses of scotch, then she stepped back up to Alex and handed her one. Alex took it gratefully.

Sam sank it back in one go, “Do you have any idea who did it, are there any suspects?”

Alex shook her head, “The NCPD are next to useless, I don't think they even care because she’s a Luthor.”

“Talking of Luthors, how did you manage to keep her family away?”

Alex smirked at that, it was one thing she was proud of, “Lillian is still in prison, I pulled some strings and made sure she didn't get day release, her brother Lex is dead as far as we know, and any other family weren't interested anyway. That family as a lot to answer for.”

Sam sighed, “Believe me I know, I met a lot of them, not one of them was likable, apart from Lena of course. God I am going to miss her so much.”

Alex let out a shaky breath, “You and me both.”

James stepped up to them, “Alex.”

Alex had a strange friendship with James, ever since she started dating Lena, James had little contact with either of them. In fact, this was the first time Alex had seen James since he left town. They had argued about Lena before he left, they hadn't parted on good terms, in fact they almost came to blows.

“James, glad you could make it.”

“She was my girlfriend once Alex, like I would miss it.” He said a little too harshly for Alex’s liking.

“Hey, you don't have to remind me that you two were together once.” Alex frowned at him.

“Maybe not, but seems like you forgot the rule about dating friends exes.” He looked annoyed.

“That’s not fair James,” Sam butted in just before Alex was about to swing for him, she looked to Alex then, “Alex, please can you go get us some more drinks.”

Alex huffed, gave James a glare before going to get a couple of bottles of beer out of the fridge. 

Alex grabbed the beer and was about to head over to Sam when she saw Kara wiping her eyes with a tissue. 

“Kara.” She approached her sister.

“Hey Alex, “ Kara quickly put on a fake smile.

“I know your not okay so I won't even ask,” Alex told her, “but if you need me.”

“You know me too well, but why are you worrying about me?”

“Oh I don't know, maybe because your my baby sister and I love you.” Alex told her flatly.

“I love you too,” Kara said softly, “you have done well today, to keep it all together, but I know you Alex.”

Alex sighed, “I’m fine, I’m going to have a few more of these,” she waved the bottles in front of Kara.

“You know drinking isn't the answer, don't you?” Kara said in disapproval.

“Don't worry, I won't go mad, I just need to let loose for one night, especially this one,” Alex took a long swig from the bottle, “anyway, see you later, I need to get this other bottle to Sam.”

Alex found Sam and handed her the bottle of beer.

“I need to ask you something,” Alex then said to Sam.

“Anything,” the brunette replied.

“Would you consider coming back to L-Corp?”

Sam’s eyes went wide, “That’s a big ask.”

“I need someone to run it and you are the only person I can trust right now who knows L-Corp enough,” Alex explained, “I’ll give you anything you need.”

“Alex,” Sam began gently placing a hand on the redheads arm, “It's not about me needing anything, you know I would do anything for you and Lena.”

“So, can I take that as a yes?”

“Yes, I’ll help you,” Sam smiled.

And Alex had never been so grateful. She hadn't a clue how to run a business, never mind one as big as L-Corp. 

“Thank you.” Alex brushed a stray tear from the corner of her eye.

Sam immediately pulled Alex into a hug. Alex fought back the tears, today she was going to be strong for Lena, she refused to show how vulnerable she was feeling. 

"Thanks Sam, for everything."

"You are very welcome, just give me a call in the week and we can sort out what needs to be done," Sam told Alex, her own smile covering her own heartbreak.

Then Alex noticed Andrea Rojas out of the corner of her eye, she considered confronting her about her ridiculous magazine cover, but then decided this wasn't the time or the place. And when Andrea came over to offer her condolences she took it like she did from everyone, with a polite nod. Alex watched her walk away and started to wonder if she would have done something like this to get some kind of revenge on Lena for being rejected all those years ago. Alex shook the thought from her mind and got another drink to drown her sorrows in.

Once everyone left Alex was left in the big house alone, with only Jasmine for company. The cat curled up on Alex’s lap as she sat before the fireplace in her pjs with a glass of neat scotch in her hand. She swirled the contents of the glass around and looked to the large Christmas Tree. The gifts Lena and Alex were going to exchange were still sitting underneath it, Alex hadnt had the courage or willpower to open them. But now she was drunk and feeling brave, she got up from her comfy position and walked over to the tree. She sat down on the floor beside the tree and looked at the packages, she didn't bother to open the ones she had got for Lena, that would be too much right now, she went straight to the gifts that Lena had left for her.

She opened the first one, a simple envelope with her name on it and slowly took out the contents. There was a handwritten note, Alex read it to herself.

** _I know how much you love to ride fast ;) - all my love, Lena._ **

Alex bit her lip holding back her intense emotions and pulled out a voucher,  _ Motorcycle Racing Day, Experience what it's like to race around a track with a professional guide. _

She let out a deep sigh, it was the perfect gift and yet she felt so numb.

Alex placed the note and the voucher back into the envelope. 

She took a deep breath and took the next gift into her hands, this one was larger, the size of a photo album. Alex ripped off the shiny gold paper. She took the contents into her hands, it was a large black book. The only words on the front were handwritten in silver ink,  ** _For Alex_ **

She carefully opened the first page, there were handwritten notes stuck inside, and on closer inspection Alex realised the notes were written by herself and Lena, they were notes from their brainstorming sessions. Some of the notes were the beginnings of experiments they had done together in the lab. Alex had to stop for a moment and take a breath, before turning to the next page. 

On the next page were tickets from shows they had been too together, even visits to the cinema, Alex covered her mouth in surprise when she saw the ticket from the first movie they went to see together, for their first real date, “I can't believe you kept these…” Then she turned the pages to find many photographs of them together, with dates and notes of special occasions. And among all of that was a simple note Lena had written, ** _ The day we said I love you_ ** **,** marked with the exact date the words were exchanged, she had even noted down where and when it had happened. 

Alex stopped, she was almost at the end of the scrapbook, but she needed a drink. She put down the book for a moment and got up to get a glass of whisky. All she could hear as she drank was the sound of the fire crackling. She looked to the sofa where Jasmine was sleeping soundly and threw back the scotch in one go. It burnt the back of her throat but she didn't care. She hardly felt it, in fact she didn't feel much of anything anymore, just heart wrenching pain in her chest everytime she breathed. She walked back over and picked the scrapbook up and sat down on the sofa to look at the rest.

That was when she came across some of Lena’s favourite poetry and she had scribbled above it  ** _I always loved this one, it reminds me of you, of us, my love._ **

Alex read it and came to the last part with a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes.

** _I refuse to love you, unless you let me love you whole, all the broken things inside you that make you so soft._ **

Alex finally reached the last page of the book and there written by herself and Lena were a list of possible baby names for the day they finally decided to adopt. Kara was one of the names on top of the list. Well that was the final straw for Alex. She closed it and put the book down, then she curled up onto the sofa and started drunkenly sobbing into a pillow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: The poem used is: Nikita Gill, In Which I Finally Find A Good Man


	3. Investigating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets helps from Kara and Sam. Both emotional support and help with trying to find out who killed her wife.

Over the next week Alex took it upon herself to do her own detective work. She was determined to find out who shot Lena and when she did, she would serve out her own justice. Alex was sad and angry. She felt she had nothing to lose at this point because she had already lost everything when she lost Lena. She had hardly slept since Lena’s murder. Her tiredness was making her cranky, more so than usual and her health was suffering. Friends and family had hardly seen her as Alex kept a low profile. She had also taken time off work understandably, because of her grief. So when she wasn't working she was looking for answers.

Alex compiled a long list of suspects. The only other people that knew of her list were Sam Arias and her sister Kara. The women had been there for her through it all, and were now trying to help both with the running of L-Corp and with trying to discover who killed Lena. The police had little interest in finding out with just one detective on the case and a heavy workload, the case was being put on hold until they could find new leads.

Kara was using her investigating skills and whilst doing some digging around she discovered something about her boss Andrea Rojas. She left the Catco offices and stood somewhere where no one could hear her talking then she called Alex on her phone.

Alex was at home, on her second beer already and lazing around on the sofa, feeling more and more depressed when her phone rang.

  
“Go away!” She called out to no one. The phone was insistent and so with a huff she sat up and looked at her phone on the coffee table. When she saw Kara’s name flashing up on the screen she picked it up and answered it.  
“What do you want Kara?”  
“Nice to hear your voice too,” Kara replied sardonically.  
“Sorry, it's just…”  
“No need to explain Alex, this is me remember,” Kara told her quickly.  
“So, why are you calling exactly?” Alex rubbed her temple, a headache starting to form.  
“I have some interesting news about Andrea Rojas.”  
Alex sat up then, alert, “Okay.”  
“I was looking at her computer…,” Kara began and Alex interrupted her, “Kara are you insane?”  
“Hey, you wanted me to investigate, so that is what I am doing!” Kara replied frustrated with her sister, “Anyway, as I was saying, I looked at her meetings, she had one scheduled with Lena on Christmas morning.”  
Alex nearly dropped her phone, “What the… she did this!”  
“Hey, hold your horses cowboy, this doesn't mean she killed Lena,” Kara told her calmly, “but you should definitely go talk to her.”  
Alex was already putting on her leather jacket and boots while Kara continued to talk to her.  
“I’m going over right now,” Alex said packing her gun into its holster and hiding it under her leather jacket.

When Alex arrived at Catco she was a bundle of nervous and anxious. She used her badge to get past security, “I’m here to see Andrea Rojas.”  
The security checked Alex’s credentials and let her enter the lift.

Alex stood in the lift, back to the wall trying to calm her breathing. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say, but she knew one thing for sure, Andrea Rojas was not going to get away with this. The door came open at the floor for Catco and Alex walked inside, heading straight for Miss Rojas office. She could see through the glass windows that the woman was sitting behind her desk. Alex entered the office and strode right up to her.

“Miss Rojas, Alex Danvers, FBI, a word please.”

Andrea Rojas looked up from her computer to see the FBI agent standing there. She was surprised, she was also impressed. Andrea had only seen Alex briefly at the funeral, but seeing her now in her leather biker jacket with that swept back red hair she was feeling incredibly turned on.  
“Of course Alex, take a seat,” She smiled.  
Alex remained standing and stepped up to Andreas desk, “I’ll get straight to the point.”  
“Good,” Andrea continued to smile, “I do hate small talk.”  
“Why were you with Lena Luthor on Christmas morning?” Alex watched Andreas face, studying her for a reaction, any clues she might gain.  
Andrea was cool as a cucumber, she only raised an eyebrow in surprise, “she told you?”  
“It doesn't matter how I know,” Alex’s frustration was starting to build up, “answer the question.”  
Andrea shifted in her seat, Alex noted, an obvious sign that Alex had made her uncomfortable. Alex was pleased with herself.  
“There is no need to be so…,” Andrea paused like she was looking for the right word, her brow creased, “...hostile, Agent Danvers.”  
Alex sighed, she had not got time for this. She folded her arms and just looked at Andrea with those dark menacing Danvers eyes she used on criminals.  
Andrea stood and walked closer to Alex then she told her, “Lena came to talk to me about the article I had written, I’m sure you know about it.”  
Alex nodded and unfolded her arms, “That’s it?”  
“Not quite,” Andrea looked anywhere but at Alex then, “we talked about our past too.”  
Alex shifted a little nervously now on her feet, “what about it?”  
“Oh, it doesn't matter now, but I told her I never got over her but I was happy for her if she was happy, and that if the rumours were not true about you both going through problems I would make a correction in the next issue of the magazine.” Andrea was folding her arms now and looking at Alex seriously.  
Alex looked at her, “You visited Lena at her office, the morning she was shot, can you see how suspicious that is?”  
Alex watched the women's expressions, she almost looked sad, but she couldn't be sure.  
“I was just as shocked as anyone when I heard the news, “ Andrea looked away again, “Lena meant a lot to me, we were very close once.”  
Alex relaxed a little, it seemed like the woman was telling the truth, “Okay, well I’m sorry I bothered you.” Alex turned to leave and then looked back at Andrea one more time, “Did Lena mention me?”  
Alex wasn't sure why she asked, there was just a part of her that needed something, anything to hold onto.  
Andrea looked to Alex and gave her a sad smile, “She told me she was happy and very much in love with you, and having seen you up close like this, I can see the attraction.”  
Alex felt the heat rise to her face, “Er… I’ll see you around.”  
“I do hope so Agent Danvers,” Andrea winked.

As soon as Alex left the offices she called Kara.

  
“Kara.”  
“Alex, how did it go?”  
“It wasn't her,” Alex replied running her free hand through her hair.  
“Are you sure? And where are you?”  
“I’m just down the street from Catco,” Alex told her as she walked towards the nearest coffee shop.  
“Why didn't you just come and get me, I’m at work you idiot.”  
Alex frowned, “I didn't see you, so I left. Anyway, speak later, I’m about to get coffee.”  
“Wait,” Kara replied, “What was she like?” Was she okay with you? She’s usually a hard ass.”  
“Your speaking to someone who isn't exactly a stranger to being a hard ass herself,” Alex replied, “She did flirt with me though.”  
“What?” Kara’s eyes went wide, “Are you serious?”  
“Absolutely, no joke your boss, she’s got no morals.”  
“I already guessed that,” Kara huffed, “coming onto you when you…” Kara stopped herself from saying the rest.  
“When I have just lost my wife,” Alex finished for her, “Look I really have to go.”  
“Okay but call me later,” Kara told her.  
“I will I promise,” Alex put her phone away and continued into the coffee shop for some much needed caffeine.

Later that evening Sam Arias visited Alex at home. Sam had started to notice how tired Alex looked, the exhaustion on her face, the sadness in her dark eyes, and it was breaking her heart to see Alex like this. She would take her food at the end of the day to make sure Alex ate something. She had left Ruby with family while she was out of town and helping Alex. The less her daughter knew the better right now.  
And everytime she visited her home she could see that Alex wasn't taking care of herself. She was looking thin with dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep.  
The house was a mess. There were beer bottles everywhere, empty bottles of scotch, dishes piling up in the sink. The only thing Alex had kept on top of was looking after her cat Jasmine. And Sam thanked god for that. So after another long day at L-Corp Sam hung out at Alex’s house, and she helped Alex clean up whilst they went over their notes.

“We can take Andrea Rojas off the list,” Alex told her as she opened a bottle of beer in the kitchen.  
“You spoke to her?” Sam said surprised.  
“Today, it's definitely not her, I can tell when someone is lying to me.” Alex said swigging her beer, “she even came onto me.”  
Sam frowned and took the bottle out of Alex’s hands, “You need to stop drinking.”  
“Hey, that is the only thing keeping me sane right now,” Alex whined.  
“Don’t be such a baby, look Alex I love you and I care about you, I’m only taking it away because I can see your falling down a very slippery slope,” she looked around at the empty bottles, “I mean look at this place.”  
Alex sighed, “I know, it's just hard without her.”  
Sam placed her hand on Alex’s arm, “I know, but I am here for you and so is Kara. And besides anything, you need a clear head if we are going to find out who did this.”  
“Your right,” Alex admitted, “you have my permission to get rid of all my booze.”  
Sam smiled, “I’ll take it back to Lena’s apartment, you can have it back once your head is in the right place,” Sam paused and grinned, “and did you just say Andrea came on to you? Do you mean like flirting?”  
Alex nodded, “She was very obvious about how she felt.”  
Sam chuckled at that, at least they had something to laugh about for once. It had been a very dark few weeks, “She’s got good taste, first Lena and now you.”  
“Haha,” Alex replied, unable to keep the slight smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, “Let's change the subject shall we?”  
Sam just smiled back at Alex, at least for a little moment she had seen the redhead smile, the first time since she came back to National City. They went to the living room to go over their notes.

“James, he really doesn't like me much these days, and he hated Lena for not taking him back, he hated me even more and blamed me.” Alex told Sam.

James Olsen - He was jealous and angry that Alex dated his ex. James always wanted to get back together with Lena and when she refused and said she was in love with someone else he had gotten angry with her. When he found out who Lena was seeing, he got angry with Alex. Their friendship died and the two disliked each other, almost coming to blows on more than one occasion. Yes Alex thought to herself, he was definitely in the top half of her list.

“Lillian maybe behind bars, but she’s got contacts on the outside, she could easily have Lena killed,” Alex said looking at Sam.  
“I don't think Lillian would go to this extreme though, say what you will about her, but she loved Lena,” Sam replied.

The Luthors - Lillian and Lex. Well either of them could have hired an assassin. And although Lex was presumed dead, a body wasn't found and it wouldn't surprise Alex if Lex came back from the dead. Liliian she wasn't so sure about, because she knew Lillian loved her daughter, even if she had a strange way of showing it.

Investors - L-Corp had many rich investors and some over time had come on to Lena, she had to tell them as politely as possible that she wasn't interested. However, two wouldn't take no for an answer and Alex had to step in and warn them off. She made a note of their names and added them to her list.

“There are two names here I need you to look into,” Alex handed some paper to Sam with the names of the two men.  
Sam took it and nodded, “I’ll see what I can find out first thing tomorrow.”

“Next,” Alex said looking at her notes.

People who hated the Luthors - The list was endless. Alex didn't know any of them by name. But Lena had gained quite an intense following of both haters and supporters over the years.

“This is going to take a lot more research. If only the NCPD could be bothered,” Alex sighed, “this could take a while.”


	4. A Christmas Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find out who killed Lena.
> 
> And some miracles do happen ;)

Alex was back at the DEO the following day. Alex looked into all their files on the Luthors while she was there to see if she could gain any clues as to who would want Lena dead.  
Alex was just about to give up when she received a call from Sam, she picked up quickly.

“Alex, you need to get over to L-Corp right now.”  
“What? Why?” Alex said alarmed.  
“I’ve finally been able to access the secret security camera footage that the police didn't find, it's a backup one that Lena kept in case anything was stolen or broken, I only knew where to look because she told me about it once,” Sam paused, she wasn't sure if she should say anymore yet but Alex would only insist if she didnt, “I know who did it.”  
Alex’s felt an adrenaline rush hit her like a speed train, “Who was it?” she said through gritted teeth, anger starting to boil up inside her immediately.  
“Alex you should come over, I’ll tell you when you get here.”  
“No, just tell me who it is,” Alex was trying not to shout, after all she was in the DEO.  
“Okay okay, just promise me you wont do anything stupid, we should call the police first.” Sam said trying to make Alex calm down.  
“Sam, just tell me who it was or God help me…” Alex said in frustration.  
“It was James Olsen, I am so sorry.” Sam said knowing how much this was going to hurt Alex but there was no easy way to say it, it was plain to see in the footage, the gunman walked calmly into the office and before Lena even noticed the gun, he fired. And James was unmistakable.

Alex abruptly ended the call. There was only one place she was heading to now and it wasn't L-Corp, she was going to hunt James down.

Alex pulled up outside James Olsens place of work, she was dressed all in black with her gun hidden in her leather jacket. She took off her helmet, placed it on her bike and looked around, it was near closing time at the newspaper office, the one he now owned. Alex decided she would hide across the street and when James came out she would confront him.

Alex waited and kept looking at her watch, he was late leaving the offices, everyone else had left. She was getting very frustrated and just wanted this over with, she needed him to pay for what he did. Then she saw the door swing open and James walk outside. Alex took a deep breath and made her way across the street, gun steady in her hand.

“James,” she called out as she approached.  
He was about to get into his car, he stopped, “Alex, what are you doing here?” He asked confused.  
“I know you did it James, I know you killed my wife,” Alex’s voice was icy cold.  
“What are you talking about?” he laughed at her and Alex just got angrier then.  
Alex took her gun and walked up to James and shoved it in his back, “Do as I say, get moving.”  
James reluctantly moved with the gun pressed to his back. Alex maneuvered him back into the office.  
“Alex, your making a huge mistake… I’m your friend.”  
“Sit down,” she told him with the gun pointed right at him.  
“Alex, you don't want to do this, put the gun down please.”  
Alex laughed a bitter laugh, “That’s where you're wrong, I have to do this, you killed my wife and no one gets away with that. Why did you do it James?”  
James sighed, and then laughed bitterly, “It should have been you really, she would never have turned me down if it weren't for you.”  
“Your delusional,” Alex told him flatly.  
“She should never have turned me down,” James spat out, “she would be alive now if it weren't for you. You took her away from me. This is all on you Alex.”  
Alex narrowed her eyes on him, “Are you serious? I wasn't the reason you two never got back together, she was over you long before I came on the scene. She told me how selfish and possessive you had become. That is why she left you.”  
“Lena wasn't gay until she met you, you turned her, you fucking dyke,” he spat out with every intent to hurt.  
Alex almost went for him then but miraculously held back and calmed her breathing, “I never tagged you for a homophobic bigot and a murderer, guess you can never tell.”  
“Fuck you Alex.”

  
That was when James made the mistake of getting up and trying to take control of the situation, he went for the gun and there was a loud bang. Alex stepped back in shock as James crumpled to the floor.  
The gun had fired accidentally, Alex hadn't gone there with the intent to kill, she just wanted to scare him into admitting what he had done, she was voice recording the whole thing as evidence.  
She steadily reached down and felt for a pulse, she found there was none, “Shit, this can't be happening.”

As she lent down Alex felt really dizzy all of a sudden and she fell to the ground, her eyes closed and everything went black.

When Alex opened her eyes she slowly tried to get her bearings. The room looked familiar, and she could hear water. As she became conscious she could see the twinkling of Christmas lights flashing across the room, and that sound of water, it sounded like a shower running. She blinked a few times and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Disoriented she looked at the clock on the bedside table, it said 7.30am. She sat up in the bed and realised she was completely naked.

Then she heard a familiar voice, a beautiful familiar voice and she was singing a Christmas song… Lena’s favourite Christmas song.

_The stars in the bright sky_  
_Looked down where He lay_  
_The little Lord Jesus_  
_Asleep on the hay_

And it was the most heavenly thing she would ever hear.

Then it dawned on her, she was lying in her own bed, in her own house, “How the hell did I get here?”

“Lena.”

“Alex, your awake!” Lena stepped out of the bathroom, her hair wet from the shower, wearing a soft white bathrobe.

“Lena. What day is it?” Alex said in shock and awe. Her heart was thumping in her chest. She couldn't tell if this was real or her imagination. Maybe she was dreaming. Maybe she was in heaven? Did James shoot her after all?

“It’s Christmas morning. Alex, love, are you alright?” Lenas brow furrowed as she stood beside the bed rubbing her long brown hair.

Alex jumped up out of bed and pulled Lena into a bear hug, “Alright, I am absolutely fantastic!“  
The towel Lena was using dropped to the floor.  
Alex pulled away and placed her hands to Lena’s startled face, searching her eyes, “Are you really here? Are you real?” Alex touched Lena’s lips with her fingers and then her hand moved over her face.  
Lena laughed, “Alex, of course I’m real. What is up with you?”  
Alex laughed, a hearty laugh. She had never felt so relieved and so happy in her life.  
“You Danvers get so excited about Christmas, honestly you are both like children,” Lena said rolling her eyes.  
Alex pulled her in for a passionate kiss and Lena’s eyes went wide until she sank happily into Alex lips. It was so passionate that it took Lena’s breath away. And feeling Alex's naked warm body against her was definitely waking her up.

  
When they broke apart Alex took in the sight of Lena and smiled, “I love you so much Lena Danvers Luthor, so freaking much.”  
Lena laughed again, “I love you too Alex Danvers Luthor, even if you are a big dork.”  
Alex laughed and then grabbed Lena and started to pull off her robe, pushing it over slender milky white shoulders.  
“Hey,” Lena stopped her wife pushing her back, “We have presents to unwrap and places to be.”  
Alex pouted, “But I have the best present to unwrap right here.”  
Lena smirked and let her robe fall to the floor then, she couldn't resist that pout and that body combined, “Fine, you win, but if were late, you can explain to Kara.”

  
Alex reached out for her lover pulling her to the bed.

  
Lena giggled as Alex fell unceremoniously on top of her.

  
“You wouldn't believe the nightmare I just had,” Alex told Lena, she touched her face gently and looked to her green eyes, taking her in, taking it all in.  
Lena looked up at her curiously, “Really, is that what this is all about? A nightmare.”  
Alex smiled, “Yes,” and kissed Lena’s nose, then her cheeks, before finally her lips met the warmth of Lena’s lips again, “I’ll tell you about it later, for now, lets celebrate our Christmas tradition,” Alex’s tongue invaded Lena’s mouth before exploring every inch of her wife with more passion than ever before.  
Lena lay back as Alex gave Lena her first present, followed by two more. And Alex discovered soon after that Lena had the gift of giving too.

After spending a leisurely morning in bed, followed by a shower together of course, because at this point Alex darent let Lena out of her sight, they had breakfast.

Alex couldn't stop smiling as she fed Jasmine, “Hey sweetie, look mommy is back? Isn't it wonderful.”  
Lena looked at Alex curiously as she watched from her seat at the breakfast table, “Alex I haven't been anywhere, please don't confuse her.”  
Alex smiled, “I know, this is the best Christmas present I could ever have.”  
"So what was this nightmare about?" Lena asked as she drank her kale smoothie.  
Alex sat down and took a bite of her cheese bagel, relishing the taste and closing her eyes, "mm you make the perfect bagel hun."  
Lena looked at her wife warmly and smiled, "What would you do without my cooking."  
Alex opened her eyes, "Don't even joke, I don't know how I would cope without you full stop."

  
Lena noticed the smile had disappeared from her wife's face and she was now looking apprehensive.  
"Alex, are you okay?"  
Alex looked at her wife's concerned face, "You are here, sitting across from me, in our kitchen, in our house, it might sound ridiculous but I will never take this for granted ever again."  
"But you didn't answer my question. What on earth did you dream about?" Lena asked.  
"You died." Alex looked down at her fingers, that she was now nervously thinking about biting, “Someone shot you.” Alex left out the part about James.  
"Oh," Lena raised an eyebrow, "I can see why your a little traumatised now, but as you can see I am very much alive and well," Lena smiled.  
"Yes you are," Alex cleared her plate, finished her coffee and stood up. She walked up behind Lena's chair and wrapped her arms around the brunette and nuzzled her face into her hair breathing in Lena's expensive shampoo, "You smell amazing babe."  
Lena smiled and stood immediately finding herself pulled in a warm embrace.  
They kissed slowly, leisurely, and then looked to each other, completely lost in each others eyes.

"Time for presents," Alex said excitedly breaking the spell.  
Lena laughed, "You are a big child Alex Danvers Luthor."  
"That wasn't what you called me in bed a few hours ago,” Alex smirked.  
Lena laughed, “Okay love, lets go open some presents.”

When Alex opened her first present off Lena she had a feeling of Deja Vu. It was a scrapbook. She opened it and flicked through the pages. There were ticket stubs from Basketball matches, soccer games, and even movie theatre tickets from their first date. Alex was sure she had seen this before. She tried to recall if it was in her dream last night, but it was all fuzzy now.  
Lena watched as Alex looked through the scrapbook in awe.

  
“I can't believe you kept all this stuff, like wow Lena.”

  
Lena moved closer to Alex on the floor beside the Christmas Tree, “I have been collecting these since we met, I wanted something for us both, something we could look back on and if one day we have children we can show them too.”  
Alex pulled Lena into a tender kiss, “You are amazing and this is the best.”  
“So did you like your present?” Alex asked looking at it.  
Lena picked it up, it was a custom teddy bear wearing an L-Corp t-shirt, “I love it, I’m calling it Alex.”  
“Ah, so the bear is non binary, I like it,” Alex smiled.  
Lena chuckled to herself as she hugged the bear to her chest.  
Just then Alex's phone started to ring, followed by Lena’s. They both looked at each other in surprise. Then they both put down their presents and picked up their phones.

Alex answered hers, it was her mother Eliza, _“Alex where are you? I need your help, and don't forget the cranberry sauce.”_  
Lena answered hers at the same time, _“Lena, kick Alex out of bed and get over here. Eliza is driving me crazy. Oh and don't forget the presents.”_  
Lena laughed at Kara, “We will be there in an hour.”  
Alex told her mother, “We will be there soon. Please don't kill each other.”

The couple put down their phones and agreed on one very important thing. That if they made it through this day sober it would be a Christmas miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who stuck with this until the end. You really didn't think I would kill Lena did you?!! :)


End file.
